the end

I guess this is it. 2 years. 55 posts. All the heartache, all the hidden tears, all the feared emotions, all the unsaid words. So many times during this period where I've dreamt of the moment of breakdown, the time where I could just release everything out and people can see how strong I've been. But I didn't. And I guess I'm glad I didn't. High school, I'll probably miss it, both the good and the bad. I think I'm very thankful for what high school has taught me. I still haven't fully recovered from the injuries they have given me, I've tried to move on and I'm still trying and hopefully one day I can.

But tomorrow I'd be leaving for overseas. The trip that has been keeping me going this entire period of time. I just hope that I'd come back all healed, refreshed and set to go on with the rest of my life. Maybe one day when I come back and read all these posts, I'll laugh again at my emotional vulnerability and stupidity and my tendency to overdramatise everything. But I just want to remind the future me that those feelings, those words were all genuine. They were exactly how I felt at that particularly point in time and are so fragile and delicate. And I guess it's all those happenings that has brought me to where I am today. I'm not saying my life is the best at the moment, but it's enough. I'm not happy, nor am I sad. I smile but sometimes, maybe those feelings seep up again. Just once in a while.

Here's to all the weaknesses, all the tears wept late at night, all the strength to push everything back in, all the courage to not break down, all the willpower to get through everything. To all those that I have been hurt by, to all those that I have hurt. To the past, the past that is all a haze right now but still hugs at my heart each time my mind ventures back. It's kind of anticlimatic isn't it? Everything so intense and emotional has calmed down to this. But I guess this is the perfect ending to somebody like me. So here's to everything that nobody will never know of, everything that I will bury deep inside me, everything that only I will know of. Goodbye.

I promise

Pathetic.

Totally pathetic.

That's how I felt today. I never thought I'd have to come back to this blog. I thought that I was fine. But here I am. Pathetically running away from all my problems by being a coward and pathetically typing up this blog post.

I don't know. Since the trials ended, I felt happy. I felt so proud of myself for going through all that. For going through everything I thought I was too weak to accomplish. And I did it. I felt…proud and happy about myself. I felt stronger, more replenished and more mature and…it was a good feeling. I was very optimistic about the future. I didn't feel really bad about any exams. I felt like I accomplished everything true and fair to myself. And it was a great sense of satisfaction and accomplishment.

But today. I go back to school with these amazing feelings and … it felt like I just got kicked back down this cliff. Just that ache of being raised to such a high sensation and then cruelly kicked back down with no warning. When I got my assignment mark back I wasn't happy with it. But what can I do? I know I didn't spend that much time on it and it was what I deserved so I wasn't too upset about it. She was also entering marks onto the computer and I saw that my multiple choice mark was pretty good so it made me feel happier. Then she comes and asks me about my mentor and she wanted to see me at lunch time. I knew it wasn't going to be a good thing. At that moment…scared? I was just so scared and nervous. My heart was clenching together and I was just so scared. Did I fail my trials? Was she going to talk about how I was slowing down in my studies again? I didn't know. And yet all these possible situation were appearing in my head.

It didn't help that we had another HSC talk after Biology. Throughout the whole thing I was just so nervous. My fingernails were digging into my skin and it hurt…but nothing hurt more than my heart. Tears were building up and I just felt pathetic. Was I overreacting? Why am I so scared? I just can't face her. After all her expectation and pressure and the talk before, I just couldn't face her. And I was scared. So scared. I was scared that maybe all the effort I put in wasn't enough and I did really bad. Throughout the entire meeting my mind was just revolving around her. It was only after tutor that I realised my nail marks were still visible on my hand.

Talking to her…I was already in tears before and when she started talking to me, I just lost it. She told me about something that really wasn't a big deal. But just I don't know. I just broke down even greater than last time. I tried to hold them back. But everything was just spilling out and it got so bad I started choking on myself without even speaking. I felt so pathetic. And I didn't even know why I was like that. It's just that after working so hard trying to live up to that expectation and having the person say right in your face that you're not doing well. I want to do well. I study the most for Biology and I want to live up to that expectation. It's just that…I don't know why I'm doing this. I study, I do past papers, I read the things she gives us, I do my homework. What else do I need to do? I…I just feel like everything I've done has gone to waste. I feel like, no one is telling me what is right or wrong anymore. I don't know anymore. The other time she said she was proud of someone. I wanted to hear my name. I really did. I wanted her to tell me that what I'm doing is correct. But when she said Jackson, my heart just clenched up so hard. But I had to smile and act like it was nothing and be happy for him. But I really wanted to hear those words. Maybe not from her but just from anyone. I want to know that what I'm doing is correct and … I just want someone to reassure to me that they're proud of what I'm doing. But no one…no teachers, no parents…not once.

Walking back to the classroom was fine because I had Sarah with me. But I took my sandwich out and started eating by myself. All her words just echoed in my brain. I'm trying I told her. She told me she knew I was trying but it just hurt so much. I was chocking on my sandwich and my whole face was scrunching up. People say that I'm just being modest when I say I'm not smart. But I really don't think so. Just once…I just want someone to say that they're proud of me. Just one person would be enough. But why does it feel like no one is ever. Why does it seem like people are always attacking what I feel is already enough? And why am I getting so worked up about it? She said I'm soft hearted. I know I am. And that's why I constantly need reassurance and comfort from someone. But no one was there. Not even my parents. The people that I want to hear those words from. But never from them. I don't want to disappoint anyone. But when I do well, I really want to hear those words. But why? But am I never able to hear them? Why am I working so hard for? Who am I doing all this for? I really don't know anymore.

After Chemistry, Ms Abraham wanted to ask me what was wrong. She said that she noticed something even before trials. I don't know. They tell me like it's so easy just to relax and not care. But it's not. Everything has been on my mind. Maybe I'm just a loser who can't handle failure. I think I am. I'm not stressed. I just want to prove to the world that I can do this that I'm not weak. That through hard times I can survive.

I just felt pathetic.

Lunch time. Chemistry. Train ride. Tutor. The tears wouldn't go away. These are the times when I really want to just throw everything away and scream to the world 'I GIVE UP'. I really want to now. I really don't have the courage to go anymore further. Just when I thought that I was on the right track, BAM comes this and telling me that what I'm doing is not right. I just…don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I don't know whether all this is worth it anymore. I keep telling myself…just hang in there a little longer and it'd be all over. Just hang in there. I thought I could. I was proud that I hadn't posted anything here in a long time. I thought those feelings were all gone. But today. It was today breaking down in front of her that those feelings never left me. And they all just erupted today. I felt so pathetic. Just pathetic. I thought I was strong and could get through everything. But it hasn't been a week since trials ended and I'm already like this. I'm just pathetic. I'm just a weakling. I don't know if I can get through this.

But please. Just hang in there Connie. Just keep it all in just for a few more weeks and I promise that it'd be good. Everything would be okay after that. Just be strong for a few more weeks. Just a few more weeks…Please. Don't break. Of everything. Just don't break. You can do this. I promise you. Everything will get better...

longer

I haven't been posting here for a while because I thought that maybe I could ... not have to feel these emotions anymore. I thought that...I was okay. I thought that I was happy.

I'm doing a good job. I think I'm happy. I just have to get through this. A few more weeks. Just a little while and it'd all be over. I can leave this place and maybe I'd probably be happy. I'm not going to let anything interfere. I'm going to get through this. I'm going to be strong. I'm going to. I have to. Just please...please let me survive all this. I'm not going to break. I'm not going to show anymore. I'm not going to give up. I'm going to get through this. Stay strong Connie! You're stronger than this. You're not weak. Just hang in there a little longer. Just a little longer and all this will be over. Just a little longer and there would be light for you again. It would get better after this. Everything will get better. Stay strong!

love is so bad

“Bad started off with the lyrics, ‘You became the reason I breathe, only to suffocate me.’ When I look back, it was the people I cared about most deeply that ended up hurting me most. Makes me wonder, though. Is it because they gave me greater scars? Or did I inflict the pain upon myself by naively expecting that they, of all people, would never be bad to me? These are the thoughts that birthed the song.” -- Tablo

finally

I finally understand.

Lately, I've been listening to a lot of ballads and reading a lot of lyrics. Previously, I would never search up lyrics because I could never relate to the lyrics of any songs. But lately, I've found myself more attached to certain songs because of their lyrics.

I finally understand how someone can cry from a song because of the memories and emotions that are evoked...

Today I fell in love with a new genre of music.

Initially, I was a big fan of ballads. I loved the fact that ballads were rich in emotions - emotions of drama and heartbreak. I loved the voices of ballads of ballad singers because they were so layered and had so much depth in them.

Indie on the other hand isn't as dramatic as ballads. It is the type of music that you enjoy when you sit on the couch next to the window on a rainy Saturday afternoon. It is not rich as ballads in the sense that it does not showcase extreme dramatic heartbreak and emotions. Rather, it sings to me as a subtle, haunting yet beautiful piece of music.

Ballads to me, is the moment of intense heartbreak, of intense clenching of the heart and constant overflowing of tears but indie to me is like...you've been heartbroken so many times and you think you've grown used to the pain but deep inside still lingers that pinch of feelings with tears silently falling down your face.

Yeah...something like that. Something beautiful like that.

"If I die young"

"If I die young" - 27/03
It hasn’t gone away. The pain and guilt when I see you upset. As much as I want to be cruel and completely disregard it…I can’t. It’s now my responsibility. It’s only right for me to suffer as much as you suffer because at the end of the day…I’m the one who caused you to suffer.

It pains me to see that your smile has been taken away from you. I wish we can be the same old friends we used to be…and not ruined by this. I really wish we could. I miss your derpy laughs. I hate your cold tone of voice. I took away your happy aura…and I regret it more than ever. My amazing person of 2011…please get well soon :S

For a split second, I thought she was talking about me. For a split second, I hoped she was talking to me. But of course, she did not come to care about my damaged emotions. I still thought to myself though - why can't you say those words to me like you do for this person?

only

I feel like the trip to Korea at the end of the year and my sister's love are the only things that are keeping me alive....

regret

My eyes were...killing today. My eyes were so tired...

Especially when I was near Jackson. Each time I looked at him, I could only think of what I did to his brother. I...I couldn't face him. It sucks you know. To know that you lost two of the most dearest men in your life because of your stupid, mindless brain. They were probably only one of the few guys I was really really comfortable around. But yeah...I lost them. And....I regret it to the point where it kills.

hate hate hate

What have I just done? What was I thinking? I'm just a bitch.

I really didn't mean to do that. I'm just so regretful. Why did I do that? I've screwed everything up. I'm just...I just can't express how much I hate myself now. What was I thinking? Was I trying to impress people around me? I feel terrible, horrible ... I feel like the worse person to walk this earth.

I'm really so sorry Jeffery. I really didn't mean to hurt you. I really didn't. You are the last person I would ever want to hurt and yet I've just totally fucked it up. I just lost the last person who was ever willing to listen to me. He was there for me when I needed him and I was comfortable telling him some of my bottled in emotions. But I being such a big fat idiot has managed to totally screw everything up. I always complain and complain how bad other people treat me, but this time...I'm the big bitch. I'm the one that was being ignorant and just manage to hurt someone.

I really don't expect him to accept my apology and forgive me. I know I don't deserve it.

I just hate myself so much now. Just looking into my reflection is painful now. Looking at myself suffocating under my tears makes me hate myself even more. Because all I can do is cry. I'm just so useless and pathetic. Why? I'm really such pathetic excuse for a human. I really don't deserve anyone else. Because all I do in the end is just break everything. Everything that was so precious, so fragile and my only escape - and I managed...me with my own hands...decided to ruin everything.

My throat is burning but nothing is coming out. I'm really really really sorry Jeffery. I feel .... so terrible...so inhumane...just so cruel. I really really didn't mean to troll you especially on your weak point. Everyone says I'm nice and stuff but no...I'm the world's biggest bitch. How could I hurt him like that? How could I hurt one of my true friends like that? I just hate myself. HATE MYESLF SO MUCH, HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE!

Nothing good ever lasts. Just when I thought there was a chance of me being happy because I could someone to let out my emotions to -- and I just destroy it. I just can't describe how much I hate myself. So mean...so cruel. I'm really a monster. Why do I deny it? I don't. I just can't forgive myself. I'm just horrible... terrible pathetic inhumane horrendous stupid mindless idiotic monster. I hate myself... Why do I even exist? Would the world be a better place without me? Am I just a waste of space and oxygen? That's how I see it.

I JUST HATE MYSELF SOOO MUCH!!! I'M JUST....when you get the point where you just hate yourself, all hope of someone giving you love is just impossible and you just hate yourself even more...beyond the point of hate...just hate. You just hate yourself...

overestimation

Recently everyone have been asking me about the Ms. Gounder incident. I actually I haven't really typed up anything for it. That day at the swimming carnival, she had a little talk with me. She told me that I seemed to be losing energy with my studies and I was not like who I was before. She questioned me, asked me what was wrong. When she asked that I just lost it, I began tearing up. She said that she only wanted a little talk with me and there was no need to cry. But I tried telling her what was wrong. I said friends. But inside I knew it wasn't just friends. It was all the bottled up emotions, all the pain and agony just sealed within my heart wanting to explode. I told her how when my family went on holidays and how I was left home by myself. I told her how during this period of time I was so lonely, literally and metaphorically.

She told me that she had seen many students just break down in Year 12.

My heart just clenched up when I heard that. I'm scared. I'm really scared that I would be one of them. It's just that after hearing her, I realised that everything I've been trying to hold onto is all falling apart. Everything. Friends, love, family, schoolwork - everything important in my life is crumbling to pieces. At first it was just friends and my non existant love life. But now my sister seems to be so distant from me and now my teacher tells me that my slowing down with my studies. I don't know anymore. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I thought that maybe keeping it all inside was the best thing. But seeing everything just falling apart before me - I can't hold it in anymore. Am I going to be those students that break down in Year 12? I don't know. But all I know is that all these emotions are just killing me each day. I can't function properly, I can't tell anyone properly and I can't do anything about it. I'm trying...I'm really trying.

I just feel so pathetic because I can't believe that I just lost it infront of a teacher. She told me to be more happy after I told her. Jeffery told me to more happy when I subtly told him about my unhappiness. I told the others that I was tearing up because of reasons that were completely unrelated. Even a teacher can see me changing, why is it that my friends cannot see? Or do they just not care? I really don't want to think about it. Because I know they don't.

I just read Eugenia's blogpost about the swimming carnival. On the day she was so sincerely asking me what was wrong and yet on her blogpost - no mention. I'm not seeking for everyone to sympathise with me. I'm just asking for someone to give me words of comfort. Instead of asking me what's wrong, I just need someone to be there when I breakdown. When I push them away because I'm on the verge of tears, I want them to stay and accompany me when I break down and tell me everything's going to be alright. I just need someone that can understand that when I say "stay away from me" I mean, "please don't abandon me like what the other people did...please don't leave me alone".

"I like the swings...I just like the swings"

Have you ever tried to send a text to someone only to find your fingers hovering and deciding between the delete key or to continue on? Tonight has been such a long night. Dinner was really fun, being able to laugh out loud was cool. Then came park. I wasn't planning for much to happen, just chilling and then going home. It started put well, we were playing on the see saw. Then I went to the swings by myself.

As usual I just observed all the things that are going on in the mini groups that had appeared. Suddenly he pointed me out. Interesting aye? Maybe in that moment I was happy. He came over, followed by Vanessa and Eugenia. A lot of the other guys followed them. He jokingly volunteered to push me on the swings. I was strongly against it. Eventually he gave up.

I was left alone again. My back was facing them and all I could hear was laughter, laughter and more laughter. Laughter which I couldn't join into. My mind is dangerous when it is alone. And there it was, alone. That moment on the swing, looking into the sky and advancing into it with each thrust made me think of flying away, flying away from all these horrible emotions. I just want to escape from these things! It probably wouldnt have been so bad if I hadn't seen a photo of her on Eugenia's camera during dinner.

Then he came over again. Maybe I was glad that someone was paying me so much attention. But then again, he's only being nice. He continuously asked me why I was so alone and why I didn't join in with the others. My mind just froze. No one ever really asked me that. People would only ask why I was quiet but never would they ask me why I was so alone. My eyes were already teared up so I just said anything so he could go away.

"I like the swings...I like the swings."

That's all I said. I really didn't know what to say. Do I tell him "because I like being alone" or do I say "I'm afraid of human contact"? All I could say was "I like the swings..."

He eventually walked away. I just wanted to burst out into tears. I don't know why but I just wanted to. The others wee leaving so I held them in and told them I wanted to stay by myself for a while. When they turned their backs to leave and I was by myself, I broke down by myself on the swing. At that moment I didn't know why but it hurt so much that the years wouldn't stop.

I sat by myself for 5 minutes and made my way to the train station. It felt dramatic, lonely yet it felt real. My arms wrapped around my body with only the sound of my heels accompanying me. When I walked into the station, I saw them. My first reaction was to turn my body and run away. I don't know why.

I waited for them to walk down onto the platform before strategically taking the lift so they couldn't see me. When I walked onto the train, I saw my reflection. I looked into the teflection's eyes. They were red and wet. The stranger's eyes were just staring into mine.

I then realized why it hurt. He was caring for me, or at least I thought he was. He was being nice to me. No one is ever so nice to me. I was afraid. I was scared that if he continued being so nice to me, I would develop a certain attachment to him, and I don't want that!

After everything attachment is was I fear the most. The pain that is associated with it is unbearable! It tortures your mind and heart, clinging itself onto everything you do, every single day. I'm not strong. I never have been and all the torment is just too much for me to handle. And that's why I was so upset. I continuously want someone to help me and yet when someone tries to, I push them away from me. What do I want?

I can't even distinguish what is going to make me happy. But for now, don't be good to me, JUST STAY AWAY FROM ME!

After what happened, I felt like I couldn't take it anymore. I had to talk to someone and let this all out. The first person that came to mind was Jeffery. Now just then, I wanted to text him so bad.

I typed "Jeffery..." then it happened. The hovering fingers over the delete button and then over the letter keys. In the end I deleted it. Maybe I just making everything dramatic. So I'm just going to keep it In like I've always done.

hypocritical

As I am listening to their conversation on Skype, I am in my own little world scrolling through Tumblr posts, frantically reblogging those that apply to me. It is then that I find myself tearing up because of the words imprinted on the posts. Oh how depressing and dark and yet so relevant to my life. That moment - those moments, where I just wanted them to realise. Those intentional sucking of the nose, those intentional heavy breathing - hoping that maybe someone would notice something. Maybe I'm just an attention seeking whore. I don't know, maybe as much as I want to hide these feelings, deep inside, I just want someone to realise...

My tired eyes...my silence...my awkward smiles and laughs...I just want someone to notice. I don't even remember the reason of this, all I remember was feeling awful, pathetic, aching pain within me. I don't remember the cause of all of this, but just recalling that pain makes me ache once again. What if someone does ask me? I can't reply with anything because even I don't know the reason for all this. That's the problem. I think I'm starting to lose myself. I don't know the reason for anything these days. I'm so lost and directionless. Struggling by myself to find the path to the exit, I'm losing all the energy and willpower to do so. Maybe I should just leave myself...forever lost in this meandering maze of emotions and problems that I don't even know the reason for their existence.

What is wrong with my mind? Everything...nothing...

gratitude

Thank you for saying those words to me. It was just plainly "you look bored..." and when I said that I didn't know how to play, he said "I'll teach you". But it was such a special moment. No one would ever say that to me. Each time I sat in the corner, everyone would just walk past without giving a dam about me. Maybe I just don't fit in with them, but it would be good if they acknowledged my existence. Who am I kidding? I barely remember any time when anyone did anything like that. So when he said that to me last night twice - once at dinner and once at pool, I felt somewhat better. I feel so stupid and silly to think this way, but it's probably the most any guy has made me feel. I've only met him twice or thrice, and yet he managed to try to make conversation with me and acknowledged me as a human. Hahaha, yeah, no stranger has ever done that - not even some of the people I have known for 5+ years. It's sad to know...but happy that someone managed to do that. Thank you, thank you very much.

just stay away from me

Hahaha LOL yeah thanks for that. THanks for saying that. Thanks for doing exactly what she did to me!

I'm just lost for words. I know she was having a hard time. That doesn't mean you could say that to me. I wasn't in the best state tonight either. Yeah, thanks for that. I totally needed that extra pinch in the heart. Thanks for reminding me that I am nothing but a girl that only cares about her oppas and not her friends. Yeah, thanks for being another one of my close friends who would think like that.

I AM SO DISAPPOINTED. WHY? WHY DO THEY HAVE TO DISAPPOINT ME OVER AND OVER AGAIN. FIRST IT WAS SYLVANA, THEN VANESSA AND NOW YOU. Each time this happens, that feeling hits again. That feeling from that night. I was fine when she said it. But afterwards reading it again...yeah those memories and feelings just went BANG straight back at me. Why are they so cruel to me? I never expected anything from them, but why does it still hurt so much? I'm really waiting for the day my dad leaves for China so I cry out to my heart's content. Now all I can do is let the tears flow down and suppress the urge to cry out loud. That suffocating feeling....the quenching feeling....KILLS.

That's why I hate going on Skype. Everything! It wouldn't have been so bad if Sylvana hadn't tried to talk to me. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M DOING SO FINE KEEPING ALL THE FEELINGS IN, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE ME RELEASE THEM OUT? I WAS DOING SUCH A GOOD JOB....

Like seriously...I still have no idea why it hurt so much when she said that to me. But the tears just came. I don't even remember why I was crying so hard the other night...all I remember was how pained I was and how hard I was crying.

I've calmed down now...but yeah, when she told me her rant, I actually had the courage to say back to her "don't say those words to me". Seriously, please don't. The more you say that about yourself, the more horrid I will see myself as a person. At least people are willing to listen to you. At least, they are willing to open their heart to you. No one will ever see me as that. At least, you have experienced being someone else's closest friend. Me? What have I experienced? Being stabbed in the heart over and over again by people I would never expect would because they were the closest to me. Being misunderstood by them as being obsessive, ganging up on people, crazy...to the point where they hint that they regret being friends with me. Yeah, I'm that kind of person. I know you had a hard time dealing with things on your own....but please, I also have issues...but the difference, I have to keep them all within. I really don't want to hurt anyone. Nor do I want to be seen as weak and vulnerable. Please...someone...I keep calling but no one hears me. Please realise I'm having a really hard time as well. I feel like a little tug and everything within me will explode.

I was doing such a great job...just stay away from me!

don't know what to say, don't know how to say

When I read it...it just exploded!

Each word I read, pierced through my skin into my heart, directly. It wasn't about me. In fact it had nothing to do with me. It's just...it touched on a topic that I have become extremely sensitive to. I'm not trying to say that she is wrong. Maybe that is how she feels, I'm in no position to say that she doesn't have the right to say those. But when I read it, it made me think about my own situation.

The way she said that the she could count with her fingers all the people that would want to talk to her. What about me? I can't even count them with my fingers...not even one. Who would want to talk to me? I'm just so sad and that agony and clenching feeling in my heart came back again. I never had any memory of anyone being there for me when I was sad. Those times where I felt like just breaking out in the middle of nowhere, the moments where I felt all the compressed feelings want to burst out and moments like this - where I am just in my room with all the lights out typing up blog posts while covering the weeping sounds with my pillow. Not one memory of someone being there for me. Seriously...not once. But I never complain...nor do I make it obvious because I know exactly the reason why. You are not an uninteresting person nor are you the leaves to the rose! I am. And to call me a leave is probably a compliment. I am...nothing. Probably not even worthy to call myself anything! Yeah that's me. When we walk, they would much prefer to indulge in conversation with her. Even if she was there and it was me and the guy, they would not talk to me. It's depressing because...they would prefer not to talk than talk to me. Hehehe it's pathetic isn't it? Am I really that worthless?

And when you mentioned the fact that this guy actually bothered to talk to you, hug you and comfort you when you were crying made me think about myself. You know...it would probably be the end of the world if someone actually did that to me. Why do you make it sound so normal? You were moved by it...but I'm sure numerous people have did that for you. But NEVER have I ever experienced something like that - NEVER! And like anybody, I also want to experience it. When I'm drowning in my tears, I want someone to give me hug or a shoulder to cry on. I also want someone to comfort me and tell me what I'm thinking is not true. I want someone to reassure me that my thoughts are wrong and things are actually not the way I imagine it to be. I just want someone to actually realise and give me some of their time...to wipe away my tears and my loneliness. I'm dying as I'm typing this. Because as I type each word, I imagine someone next to me doing it. But imagination is killing me. Only being able to imagine but know that it will never come true is like torture, tormenting me. I need someone to tell me that this is not true. I need someone to tell me that it'd get better. I need someone as a sign from God that maybe I won't die alone. But no one will ever be there. And that is why...it just getting worse and worse. The strangling thoughts are growing out of control, suffocating every bit of my sanity, attacking both my heart and mind - which happen to be my most vulnerable areas.

You said that you might as well stay quiet and be a mute. I can't do that. No matter how I much I tell myself that it's fine, my mind and heart will never listen. They will always be constantly yearning to be heard and understood. You can be a mute...but I can only be a mute who is constantly yelling out to be heard.

a mute's cry

Somebody please spare a thought for me

I feel so torn these days. I don't know what to do. I don't know I really don't know. What is right? Call me a coward, but I just feel like running away from all of this! Everything! I feel so lost and...in the middle of nowhere.

Yes, they've been telling me constantly everyday. I can see it myself. I don't want to, but I can see it. I agree with them. And I feel ashamed to say, but I agree with everything they say. I see her...constantly talking with these boys. At first, I thought they were all overreacting, until she pointed out something. She only did it with boys. She would never interact with the girls, just the boys. What am I supposed to think? She's just being nice? She just likes socialising with boys? She tells me constantly that she doesn't realise how flirtatious her behaviour appears. But it sometimes just comes to the point where it is so obvious. I try not to think so bad of her, but when all these things are happening, I can't help not to think this way. Nearly everyone I know can see it. What do I do? I can just follow the crowd and also 'gossip' about it.

But I don't to do that either.

I can't bring myself to. That time she said to me "you are the only person I have left" my heart broke. I....I've been in this terrible state of mind lately and when she said it...I felt so bad. I don't want to...I really don't. We've been friends for so long...I don't...I don't want to do this to her. That's why, I 've been so torn these days. I feel like such a two faced bitch. When this all breaks, and she knows about it...I don't want to think about that day. Each time I try to turn away from this, hoping it'd be alright, something happens. Each time I hear about it, I agree but each time I see her, I regret thinking that way.

SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!!

I hate this feeling. I hate this feeling that I'm becoming something that I would have never hoped myself to become. That's why I hate myself most of the time. Why am I always like this? Stupid emotions!!!! Why are you doing this to me? Why can't I be a little stronger and stand firmly only one side? I really hate this feeling of floating in the middle. The moments when I feel so lost and alone. Everyone is all strongly gathered together on either sides of me. I want to belong. I want to belong to a side. But I can't. The feeling of abandoning one side....I JUST CAN'T! I really don't know. This is the time where I just want to run away...run away from all of this. I don't want to think about. But I can't. I'm in this position already. Dropping out will hurt some people, continuing will also hurt people. I really don't want anyone to get hurt. I can't say it straight into Annie's face that I don't want to talk about it anymore ... that'd hurt her. But continuing will hurt Eugenia. Do I drop out? Or do I continue?

I hate this! I hate this all! HATE HATE HATE EVERYTHING! WHY AM I LIKE THIS? I HATE IT ABSOLUTELY HATE IT WHEN I'M LIKE THIS. I'M ALWAYS LIKE THIS AND I DON'T WANT MYSELF TO BE LIKE THIS!!! If this continues, I swear I'm going to go crazy! Someone please help me. Someone please stop to think about me. Please....someone please understand my situation...someone please realise how lost I am...someone please come and save me from all of this.

I'm calling out silently - "please...."

nothing

These days I just don't know what getting through her brain. First she started all this shit with us and now she's starting shit with people she rarely knows. Like yes maybe she's having a hard time coping with school and friends, but I don't think that's an excuse to do this. Does she seriously have an idea of how many people she's hurting? I'm not angry at her. Never was I angry with her. When she did that to me...and Annie and Sarah...I felt nothing. Like, I wasn't unhappy...I wasn't angry...I was just normal.

The unhappiness from that incident ... I never blogged about it. But even up till today, I still remember how horrible the feeling was. When I saw all their comments, I just...could not believe what I was reading. I was doing a good job just letting the tears fall without crying out loud. My sister was near me so I couldn't cry out loud. Then Annie called me. I lost it. I ran into the bathroom and just started crying uncontrollably. That agony...that pain in my chest. I was just crying. It really felt like my heart was clenching itself. Even as I describe it now, I can remember exactly how it felt. I didn't know why it hurt so much.

It felt like no one really understood how much it hurt. Like...she attacked us. She used our friendship in her arguments. I get that kpop is not accepted by everyone. That's fine. Lisa hates kpop but I never get unhappy over it. It wasn't the fact that she dissed kpop. NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT! It was the fact that she chose to comment on our friendship. She said...she hated people like us. She said...she regretted being friends with us. What am I meant to feel? And then you come to see other people commenting and saying we were ganging up on her...seeing people trying to calm the argument down by saying totally irrelevant things! THEY JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND. I think the reason why I felt so unhappy was because of this disappointment.

I told myself numerous times prior to this not to expect. NEVER EXPECT ANYTHING FROM THEM! But why? Why did I end up crying so hard because of them? The feeling...when Vanessa asked me why I was unhappy and I asked her for her opinion about it. And guess what she said? It's either kpop or friendship. I'm just...so disappointed. The moment she said that...I felt so...hurt. Is that how she sees me? Am I just a person who cares her life for kpop and not friends? Is that how they ALL see me? It's just so heartbreaking because after so many years of friendship and caring for them all, this is the result I get. None of them understand. I felt hurt because she chose to place our friendship into the argument. I felt hurt because none of them understood how much that hurt me. It killed to know the fact that Sylvana out of everyone...said that she didn't like me and regretted being my friend. She wasn't directing them to me, but she was basically saying to people who had similar interests with me.

Don't they understand? Fangirls are the saddest people. I...don't fangirl just for the sake of fangirling. I fangirl because...it fills the many empty gaps of my life. I'm not your popular type of girl. I'm socially awkward, no one would talk to me and without some of the good marks I scored, no one would pay ANY attention to me! That's the type of person I am. I am a nobody. Someone everyone would probably forget. Everyone is like falling in love, having the time of their life in high school...but me? Nothing. Thousands and thousands of empty holes...and without them filled, I just feel like an empty soul...just .... NOTHING! And knowing this just kills me so much! But why don't they understand? Why doesn't anyone understand? Why can't they see how sad us fangirls are? It's sad because we require these strangers to provide us with the comfort which we lack in real life. It's lonely...and hard. But no one appreciates us.

You know...the disappointment that I felt after this incident has...drained me out. These days all I do is fangirl. I need something to escape to. I need something that takes my mind off the pain that I've been feeling. But why don't they know? Why can't they understand? All I've been doing is fangirling! If I was to choose between friends and fangirling, I would always chosen friends. But now? What are they now? What am I now? I really don't know! I feel like...everything has been drained out from me. Nothing...nothing...absolutely nothing...

cheap

I'M NOT GOING TO CRY. I'M GOING TO LIFT MY HEAD UP SO MY TEARS WILL NOT FLOW OUT. I'm not going to be weak anymore...

It is NOT GOING TO AFFECT ME ANYMORE. You go call him. You go call her.

What about me?

Who do I tell?

Who do I call?

Who would understand?

All I need is just a hug. A deep hug. Those hugs that will make me feel like nothing is wrong. A hug that is able to allow my mind to temporary leave from reality. Just a hug. From someone. Anyone would do.

Maybe that's how cheap and desperate I am. I just want someone there for me. Anyone...anyone would do for someone like me.

simple and clean

"Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday to me"

I find it pretty sad to sing a birthday song to myself. Hahaha. Today is my birthday, my 16th birthday. The day the horrible me was created. The day my parents luck started going downhill because of the introduction of me into this world.

Today wasn't bad. But it wasn't good either. Just meh ~~ but I guess meh is good enough for me. I still remember on Thursday night I was crying my eyes out because of this. I don't want to sound conceited or self centered. But I was really unhappy because no one seemed to care. Not that they didn't buy me the most expensive present or anything. But the fact that when I talked to her on Skype, she....didn't care about what Annie asked her. It didn't take the next Sherlock Holmes to figure out that Annie was preparing a present for me along with the others. But the fact that she pushed it off because she busy doing her Eco assignment, the fact that she didn't want to call Annie because she wasn't bothered. How am I meant to feel? As well as the fact that no one remember what Annie asked of them. Hahaha what am I meant to feel? All I felt was....disappointment....and possibly pain. I just ran straight into the toilet and took a shower. In the shower - I cried.

Another one of those times when I couldn't stop. The muscles in my face just scrunched up pushing the tears out. Each time I tried to straighten my face, it would just scrunch up again. The thought that my 'friends' didn't care....didn't bother. I know it's just a birthday and there's nothing big about it....but I thought they would care. I thought that...I would be really happy.

But like people say, the greater the expectation, the greater the disappointment. I am never going to expect ANYTHING from them. NEVER AGAIN!

It's funny because last year, she was also the reason why I was unhappy on my birthday. It's just that after all this time and I have not learnt my lesson. It's funny how no matter what gifts they give me (if they do) it doesn't really account for anything. Yes, people may chip in huge amounts of money for me....but what's the point when they are just physical gifts? What's the point when they "can't be bothered" and "don't have the time" to stop and care about me? What's the point when I'm going to be receiving the presents with a thorn in my heart? What's the point when I'm not happy?

On the other hand, let's end this 'meh~' birthday with my birthday wishes

1. I want to fall in love;
2. Do well in school;
3. For the people around me to be happy;

Let's hope that it isn't too much to ask for. But no matter how much I don't believe superstitions, myths and legends...I always believe in wishes and promises. I believe that when you make a wish on a special day, it will come true if it isn't too much to ask for. Today I didn't get the chance to make a wish in front of a cake. But I hope that my wishes will come true if I post it in a place where I can release all my true emotions without fear of being judged. I just wish I can fall in love, do well in school and the people around me to be happy. I wish....please come true for me.