nothing

These days I just don't know what getting through her brain. First she started all this shit with us and now she's starting shit with people she rarely knows. Like yes maybe she's having a hard time coping with school and friends, but I don't think that's an excuse to do this. Does she seriously have an idea of how many people she's hurting? I'm not angry at her. Never was I angry with her. When she did that to me...and Annie and Sarah...I felt nothing. Like, I wasn't unhappy...I wasn't angry...I was just normal.

The unhappiness from that incident ... I never blogged about it. But even up till today, I still remember how horrible the feeling was. When I saw all their comments, I just...could not believe what I was reading. I was doing a good job just letting the tears fall without crying out loud. My sister was near me so I couldn't cry out loud. Then Annie called me. I lost it. I ran into the bathroom and just started crying uncontrollably. That agony...that pain in my chest. I was just crying. It really felt like my heart was clenching itself. Even as I describe it now, I can remember exactly how it felt. I didn't know why it hurt so much.

It felt like no one really understood how much it hurt. Like...she attacked us. She used our friendship in her arguments. I get that kpop is not accepted by everyone. That's fine. Lisa hates kpop but I never get unhappy over it. It wasn't the fact that she dissed kpop. NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT! It was the fact that she chose to comment on our friendship. She said...she hated people like us. She said...she regretted being friends with us. What am I meant to feel? And then you come to see other people commenting and saying we were ganging up on her...seeing people trying to calm the argument down by saying totally irrelevant things! THEY JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND. I think the reason why I felt so unhappy was because of this disappointment.

I told myself numerous times prior to this not to expect. NEVER EXPECT ANYTHING FROM THEM! But why? Why did I end up crying so hard because of them? The feeling...when Vanessa asked me why I was unhappy and I asked her for her opinion about it. And guess what she said? It's either kpop or friendship. I'm just...so disappointed. The moment she said that...I felt so...hurt. Is that how she sees me? Am I just a person who cares her life for kpop and not friends? Is that how they ALL see me? It's just so heartbreaking because after so many years of friendship and caring for them all, this is the result I get. None of them understand. I felt hurt because she chose to place our friendship into the argument. I felt hurt because none of them understood how much that hurt me. It killed to know the fact that Sylvana out of everyone...said that she didn't like me and regretted being my friend. She wasn't directing them to me, but she was basically saying to people who had similar interests with me.

Don't they understand? Fangirls are the saddest people. I...don't fangirl just for the sake of fangirling. I fangirl because...it fills the many empty gaps of my life. I'm not your popular type of girl. I'm socially awkward, no one would talk to me and without some of the good marks I scored, no one would pay ANY attention to me! That's the type of person I am. I am a nobody. Someone everyone would probably forget. Everyone is like falling in love, having the time of their life in high school...but me? Nothing. Thousands and thousands of empty holes...and without them filled, I just feel like an empty soul...just .... NOTHING! And knowing this just kills me so much! But why don't they understand? Why doesn't anyone understand? Why can't they see how sad us fangirls are? It's sad because we require these strangers to provide us with the comfort which we lack in real life. It's lonely...and hard. But no one appreciates us.

You know...the disappointment that I felt after this incident has...drained me out. These days all I do is fangirl. I need something to escape to. I need something that takes my mind off the pain that I've been feeling. But why don't they know? Why can't they understand? All I've been doing is fangirling! If I was to choose between friends and fangirling, I would always chosen friends. But now? What are they now? What am I now? I really don't know! I feel like...everything has been drained out from me. Nothing...nothing...absolutely nothing...