Have you ever tried to send a text to someone only to find your fingers hovering and deciding between the delete key or to continue on? Tonight has been such a long night. Dinner was really fun, being able to laugh out loud was cool. Then came park. I wasn't planning for much to happen, just chilling and then going home. It started put well, we were playing on the see saw. Then I went to the swings by myself.
As usual I just observed all the things that are going on in the mini groups that had appeared. Suddenly he pointed me out. Interesting aye? Maybe in that moment I was happy. He came over, followed by Vanessa and Eugenia. A lot of the other guys followed them. He jokingly volunteered to push me on the swings. I was strongly against it. Eventually he gave up.
I was left alone again. My back was facing them and all I could hear was laughter, laughter and more laughter. Laughter which I couldn't join into. My mind is dangerous when it is alone. And there it was, alone. That moment on the swing, looking into the sky and advancing into it with each thrust made me think of flying away, flying away from all these horrible emotions. I just want to escape from these things! It probably wouldnt have been so bad if I hadn't seen a photo of her on Eugenia's camera during dinner.
Then he came over again. Maybe I was glad that someone was paying me so much attention. But then again, he's only being nice. He continuously asked me why I was so alone and why I didn't join in with the others. My mind just froze. No one ever really asked me that. People would only ask why I was quiet but never would they ask me why I was so alone. My eyes were already teared up so I just said anything so he could go away.
"I like the swings...I like the swings."
That's all I said. I really didn't know what to say. Do I tell him "because I like being alone" or do I say "I'm afraid of human contact"? All I could say was "I like the swings..."
He eventually walked away. I just wanted to burst out into tears. I don't know why but I just wanted to. The others wee leaving so I held them in and told them I wanted to stay by myself for a while. When they turned their backs to leave and I was by myself, I broke down by myself on the swing. At that moment I didn't know why but it hurt so much that the years wouldn't stop.
I sat by myself for 5 minutes and made my way to the train station. It felt dramatic, lonely yet it felt real. My arms wrapped around my body with only the sound of my heels accompanying me. When I walked into the station, I saw them. My first reaction was to turn my body and run away. I don't know why.
I waited for them to walk down onto the platform before strategically taking the lift so they couldn't see me. When I walked onto the train, I saw my reflection. I looked into the teflection's eyes. They were red and wet. The stranger's eyes were just staring into mine.
I then realized why it hurt. He was caring for me, or at least I thought he was. He was being nice to me. No one is ever so nice to me. I was afraid. I was scared that if he continued being so nice to me, I would develop a certain attachment to him, and I don't want that!
After everything attachment is was I fear the most. The pain that is associated with it is unbearable! It tortures your mind and heart, clinging itself onto everything you do, every single day. I'm not strong. I never have been and all the torment is just too much for me to handle. And that's why I was so upset. I continuously want someone to help me and yet when someone tries to, I push them away from me. What do I want?
I can't even distinguish what is going to make me happy. But for now, don't be good to me, JUST STAY AWAY FROM ME!
After what happened, I felt like I couldn't take it anymore. I had to talk to someone and let this all out. The first person that came to mind was Jeffery. Now just then, I wanted to text him so bad.
I typed "Jeffery..." then it happened. The hovering fingers over the delete button and then over the letter keys. In the end I deleted it. Maybe I just making everything dramatic. So I'm just going to keep it In like I've always done.
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