a mute's cry

Somebody please spare a thought for me

I feel so torn these days. I don't know what to do. I don't know I really don't know. What is right? Call me a coward, but I just feel like running away from all of this! Everything! I feel so lost and...in the middle of nowhere.

Yes, they've been telling me constantly everyday. I can see it myself. I don't want to, but I can see it. I agree with them. And I feel ashamed to say, but I agree with everything they say. I see her...constantly talking with these boys. At first, I thought they were all overreacting, until she pointed out something. She only did it with boys. She would never interact with the girls, just the boys. What am I supposed to think? She's just being nice? She just likes socialising with boys? She tells me constantly that she doesn't realise how flirtatious her behaviour appears. But it sometimes just comes to the point where it is so obvious. I try not to think so bad of her, but when all these things are happening, I can't help not to think this way. Nearly everyone I know can see it. What do I do? I can just follow the crowd and also 'gossip' about it.

But I don't to do that either.

I can't bring myself to. That time she said to me "you are the only person I have left" my heart broke. I....I've been in this terrible state of mind lately and when she said it...I felt so bad. I don't want to...I really don't. We've been friends for so long...I don't...I don't want to do this to her. That's why, I 've been so torn these days. I feel like such a two faced bitch. When this all breaks, and she knows about it...I don't want to think about that day. Each time I try to turn away from this, hoping it'd be alright, something happens. Each time I hear about it, I agree but each time I see her, I regret thinking that way.

SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!!

I hate this feeling. I hate this feeling that I'm becoming something that I would have never hoped myself to become. That's why I hate myself most of the time. Why am I always like this? Stupid emotions!!!! Why are you doing this to me? Why can't I be a little stronger and stand firmly only one side? I really hate this feeling of floating in the middle. The moments when I feel so lost and alone. Everyone is all strongly gathered together on either sides of me. I want to belong. I want to belong to a side. But I can't. The feeling of abandoning one side....I JUST CAN'T! I really don't know. This is the time where I just want to run away...run away from all of this. I don't want to think about. But I can't. I'm in this position already. Dropping out will hurt some people, continuing will also hurt people. I really don't want anyone to get hurt. I can't say it straight into Annie's face that I don't want to talk about it anymore ... that'd hurt her. But continuing will hurt Eugenia. Do I drop out? Or do I continue?

I hate this! I hate this all! HATE HATE HATE EVERYTHING! WHY AM I LIKE THIS? I HATE IT ABSOLUTELY HATE IT WHEN I'M LIKE THIS. I'M ALWAYS LIKE THIS AND I DON'T WANT MYSELF TO BE LIKE THIS!!! If this continues, I swear I'm going to go crazy! Someone please help me. Someone please stop to think about me. Please....someone please understand my situation...someone please realise how lost I am...someone please come and save me from all of this.

I'm calling out silently - "please...."