overestimation

Recently everyone have been asking me about the Ms. Gounder incident. I actually I haven't really typed up anything for it. That day at the swimming carnival, she had a little talk with me. She told me that I seemed to be losing energy with my studies and I was not like who I was before. She questioned me, asked me what was wrong. When she asked that I just lost it, I began tearing up. She said that she only wanted a little talk with me and there was no need to cry. But I tried telling her what was wrong. I said friends. But inside I knew it wasn't just friends. It was all the bottled up emotions, all the pain and agony just sealed within my heart wanting to explode. I told her how when my family went on holidays and how I was left home by myself. I told her how during this period of time I was so lonely, literally and metaphorically.

She told me that she had seen many students just break down in Year 12.

My heart just clenched up when I heard that. I'm scared. I'm really scared that I would be one of them. It's just that after hearing her, I realised that everything I've been trying to hold onto is all falling apart. Everything. Friends, love, family, schoolwork - everything important in my life is crumbling to pieces. At first it was just friends and my non existant love life. But now my sister seems to be so distant from me and now my teacher tells me that my slowing down with my studies. I don't know anymore. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I thought that maybe keeping it all inside was the best thing. But seeing everything just falling apart before me - I can't hold it in anymore. Am I going to be those students that break down in Year 12? I don't know. But all I know is that all these emotions are just killing me each day. I can't function properly, I can't tell anyone properly and I can't do anything about it. I'm trying...I'm really trying.

I just feel so pathetic because I can't believe that I just lost it infront of a teacher. She told me to be more happy after I told her. Jeffery told me to more happy when I subtly told him about my unhappiness. I told the others that I was tearing up because of reasons that were completely unrelated. Even a teacher can see me changing, why is it that my friends cannot see? Or do they just not care? I really don't want to think about it. Because I know they don't.

I just read Eugenia's blogpost about the swimming carnival. On the day she was so sincerely asking me what was wrong and yet on her blogpost - no mention. I'm not seeking for everyone to sympathise with me. I'm just asking for someone to give me words of comfort. Instead of asking me what's wrong, I just need someone to be there when I breakdown. When I push them away because I'm on the verge of tears, I want them to stay and accompany me when I break down and tell me everything's going to be alright. I just need someone that can understand that when I say "stay away from me" I mean, "please don't abandon me like what the other people did...please don't leave me alone".