just stay away from me

Hahaha LOL yeah thanks for that. THanks for saying that. Thanks for doing exactly what she did to me!

I'm just lost for words. I know she was having a hard time. That doesn't mean you could say that to me. I wasn't in the best state tonight either. Yeah, thanks for that. I totally needed that extra pinch in the heart. Thanks for reminding me that I am nothing but a girl that only cares about her oppas and not her friends. Yeah, thanks for being another one of my close friends who would think like that.

I AM SO DISAPPOINTED. WHY? WHY DO THEY HAVE TO DISAPPOINT ME OVER AND OVER AGAIN. FIRST IT WAS SYLVANA, THEN VANESSA AND NOW YOU. Each time this happens, that feeling hits again. That feeling from that night. I was fine when she said it. But afterwards reading it again...yeah those memories and feelings just went BANG straight back at me. Why are they so cruel to me? I never expected anything from them, but why does it still hurt so much? I'm really waiting for the day my dad leaves for China so I cry out to my heart's content. Now all I can do is let the tears flow down and suppress the urge to cry out loud. That suffocating feeling....the quenching feeling....KILLS.

That's why I hate going on Skype. Everything! It wouldn't have been so bad if Sylvana hadn't tried to talk to me. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M DOING SO FINE KEEPING ALL THE FEELINGS IN, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE ME RELEASE THEM OUT? I WAS DOING SUCH A GOOD JOB....

Like seriously...I still have no idea why it hurt so much when she said that to me. But the tears just came. I don't even remember why I was crying so hard the other night...all I remember was how pained I was and how hard I was crying.

I've calmed down now...but yeah, when she told me her rant, I actually had the courage to say back to her "don't say those words to me". Seriously, please don't. The more you say that about yourself, the more horrid I will see myself as a person. At least people are willing to listen to you. At least, they are willing to open their heart to you. No one will ever see me as that. At least, you have experienced being someone else's closest friend. Me? What have I experienced? Being stabbed in the heart over and over again by people I would never expect would because they were the closest to me. Being misunderstood by them as being obsessive, ganging up on people, crazy...to the point where they hint that they regret being friends with me. Yeah, I'm that kind of person. I know you had a hard time dealing with things on your own....but please, I also have issues...but the difference, I have to keep them all within. I really don't want to hurt anyone. Nor do I want to be seen as weak and vulnerable. Please...someone...I keep calling but no one hears me. Please realise I'm having a really hard time as well. I feel like a little tug and everything within me will explode.

I was doing such a great job...just stay away from me!