hate hate hate

What have I just done? What was I thinking? I'm just a bitch.

I really didn't mean to do that. I'm just so regretful. Why did I do that? I've screwed everything up. I'm just...I just can't express how much I hate myself now. What was I thinking? Was I trying to impress people around me? I feel terrible, horrible ... I feel like the worse person to walk this earth.

I'm really so sorry Jeffery. I really didn't mean to hurt you. I really didn't. You are the last person I would ever want to hurt and yet I've just totally fucked it up. I just lost the last person who was ever willing to listen to me. He was there for me when I needed him and I was comfortable telling him some of my bottled in emotions. But I being such a big fat idiot has managed to totally screw everything up. I always complain and complain how bad other people treat me, but this time...I'm the big bitch. I'm the one that was being ignorant and just manage to hurt someone.

I really don't expect him to accept my apology and forgive me. I know I don't deserve it.

I just hate myself so much now. Just looking into my reflection is painful now. Looking at myself suffocating under my tears makes me hate myself even more. Because all I can do is cry. I'm just so useless and pathetic. Why? I'm really such pathetic excuse for a human. I really don't deserve anyone else. Because all I do in the end is just break everything. Everything that was so precious, so fragile and my only escape - and I managed...me with my own hands...decided to ruin everything.

My throat is burning but nothing is coming out. I'm really really really sorry Jeffery. I feel .... so terrible...so inhumane...just so cruel. I really really didn't mean to troll you especially on your weak point. Everyone says I'm nice and stuff but no...I'm the world's biggest bitch. How could I hurt him like that? How could I hurt one of my true friends like that? I just hate myself. HATE MYESLF SO MUCH, HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE!

Nothing good ever lasts. Just when I thought there was a chance of me being happy because I could someone to let out my emotions to -- and I just destroy it. I just can't describe how much I hate myself. So mean...so cruel. I'm really a monster. Why do I deny it? I don't. I just can't forgive myself. I'm just horrible... terrible pathetic inhumane horrendous stupid mindless idiotic monster. I hate myself... Why do I even exist? Would the world be a better place without me? Am I just a waste of space and oxygen? That's how I see it.

I JUST HATE MYSELF SOOO MUCH!!! I'M JUST....when you get the point where you just hate yourself, all hope of someone giving you love is just impossible and you just hate yourself even more...beyond the point of hate...just hate. You just hate yourself...