When I read it...it just exploded!
Each word I read, pierced through my skin into my heart, directly. It wasn't about me. In fact it had nothing to do with me. It's just...it touched on a topic that I have become extremely sensitive to. I'm not trying to say that she is wrong. Maybe that is how she feels, I'm in no position to say that she doesn't have the right to say those. But when I read it, it made me think about my own situation.
The way she said that the she could count with her fingers all the people that would want to talk to her. What about me? I can't even count them with my fingers...not even one. Who would want to talk to me? I'm just so sad and that agony and clenching feeling in my heart came back again. I never had any memory of anyone being there for me when I was sad. Those times where I felt like just breaking out in the middle of nowhere, the moments where I felt all the compressed feelings want to burst out and moments like this - where I am just in my room with all the lights out typing up blog posts while covering the weeping sounds with my pillow. Not one memory of someone being there for me. Seriously...not once. But I never complain...nor do I make it obvious because I know exactly the reason why. You are not an uninteresting person nor are you the leaves to the rose! I am. And to call me a leave is probably a compliment. I am...nothing. Probably not even worthy to call myself anything! Yeah that's me. When we walk, they would much prefer to indulge in conversation with her. Even if she was there and it was me and the guy, they would not talk to me. It's depressing because...they would prefer not to talk than talk to me. Hehehe it's pathetic isn't it? Am I really that worthless?
And when you mentioned the fact that this guy actually bothered to talk to you, hug you and comfort you when you were crying made me think about myself. You know...it would probably be the end of the world if someone actually did that to me. Why do you make it sound so normal? You were moved by it...but I'm sure numerous people have did that for you. But NEVER have I ever experienced something like that - NEVER! And like anybody, I also want to experience it. When I'm drowning in my tears, I want someone to give me hug or a shoulder to cry on. I also want someone to comfort me and tell me what I'm thinking is not true. I want someone to reassure me that my thoughts are wrong and things are actually not the way I imagine it to be. I just want someone to actually realise and give me some of their time...to wipe away my tears and my loneliness. I'm dying as I'm typing this. Because as I type each word, I imagine someone next to me doing it. But imagination is killing me. Only being able to imagine but know that it will never come true is like torture, tormenting me. I need someone to tell me that this is not true. I need someone to tell me that it'd get better. I need someone as a sign from God that maybe I won't die alone. But no one will ever be there. And that is why...it just getting worse and worse. The strangling thoughts are growing out of control, suffocating every bit of my sanity, attacking both my heart and mind - which happen to be my most vulnerable areas.
You said that you might as well stay quiet and be a mute. I can't do that. No matter how I much I tell myself that it's fine, my mind and heart will never listen. They will always be constantly yearning to be heard and understood. You can be a mute...but I can only be a mute who is constantly yelling out to be heard.
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