again and again

I try not to think about these issues but they just keep coming back to me. I try to bury them deep into a random corner of my mind and fill the remaining space with memories of beloved friends, family, tumblr, kpop etc. But they just keep appearing before me. I thought that the discovery of tumblr would be a life changing experience for me. It showed me that I wasn't alone and many many other girls were suffering from the same insecurities as me. Eugenia continuously calls me no life for going to tumblr for so long but I think a skinny girl like her wouldn't really understand what it feels like to be like...an outcast. Like it seems like..no one really understands your feelings and, you just feel...alone.

Well, then I finally found this place where I felt like I wasn't alone. But isn't it ironic. I also found this passage on tumblr.

You will get FAT if you eat today

You don't need food. Fat people aren't welcome anywhere. Men would be able to life you, like you were a feather. You will be able to run faster without the extra weight slowing you down. People will remember you as the skinny, beautiful girl. If somebody is going to describe you, they'll say: Oh, she's that really thin girl. Men would like to get to know you, not turn their back on you and walk away. Starving yourself is an example on extremely high self control. You'll be able to see your beautiful bones. Bones are real. Fat is something you add to your body, not something you're born with. If you'll gain just a little bit more weight, you're going to look like a pig. Models are the image of perfection and I bet you haven't seen a fat model. Too many people are obese. People who eat are selfish. Only fat people get turned on by fat people. Do you want pigs to like you, because you're one of them? Everybody has inner beauty, but only the strong ones can achieve beauty on the outside. You'll be able to move as graceful as a spider. Only thin people are graceful. If you hit a fat person, you can feel their body fat moving a long time after. Do you want people to say: Hey, move away, you're crushing me, I can't breathe or oh my god, you weigh like nothing? Underweight means a body like a ballerina. You want to be able to be lifted by a balloon into the sky. You want to be able to walk in the snow without leaving footprints. You can solve any of your problems if you loose some weight. Saying "No thank you" to food is saying yes to being thin. People only notice a fat person when they're standing in the way of a skinny one. Have you ever met someone who didn't notice a living skeleton? Is food more important than being happy? When you feel dizzy and weak, you're almost there. Starvation is your friend, and it won't cheat you like food will. Can you mention a good reason for being fat? I can mention 2 million reasons why it's better to be thing! Thin people look good in any outfit. Nothing is worth being fat for.

Though some parts may be exaggerated, this hit me hard. Each word just set thousands and thousands of needles towards my eyes. It hurt. Each word did. It hurt not because the girl is a bitch but because it is true. Fat people are not welcome anywhere. Fat people are only noticed when they stand in the way of a thin girl. Fat people doesn't have the ability to look good in any outfit. Men would not be able to carry fat people. Hehehe.

Each time I try to make myself feel better and I begin to make up reasons for me being like this. I just hate how screwed up society is at the moment. There was this period of time when I was just so scared of people that I didn't want to even walk onto the streets. I just wanted to stay at home for the rest of my life. Why face all these disturbing looks and hurtful comments? Each time I walk into Westville's and shopping centres, I don't even dare to look into clothes shops. It feels like...I shouldn't be looking at these. I don't think I even have the right to.