trust

Today we had a Rising Generations program which revolved around the idea of creating stronger bonds and relationships between individuals. I think it was a really good program because I'm just really sick and tired of teachers feeding us with all this crap about competing against those around you. For me, high school isn't really about getting higher marks than the person next to you, but rather an opportunity for you to create friends that will stay with you for most likely the rest of your life.

It was very inspiring and has been a good way for me to reflect on myself. The Line Game I think, helped me a lot. First I was kind of unsure whether the game would be played well. I was just basically laughing and playing around with Sarah. But slowly, as the presenters called out each statement, I just became really quiet. I wasn't sad or anything. I was just...thinking. I tried to be as truthful as I could. Insecurities, feeling unattached, failing to meet expectations, overshadowed etc. All these things that have been messing my life up. It felt good to just, step up and prove to myself that I am not afraid to tell those around me. It was also really shocking to see Lisa step up when the statement "if you ever felt alone".

Lisa..Lisa..she is truly someone I look up to. She inspires me and I really admire her creativity -- basically, someone I think that can guide me. People call her scary and stuff, but from what I've seen, she is this really amazing person. I feel I can connect to her in a lot of different areas. After today, the person I felt like I realised more things about was Lisa. I know she isn't who she appears to be. She's trying to hide behind this facade. She's trying to appear strong. But at certain times, I just think, is she really that strong? Does she have vulnerable times? But, she is someone I really treasure and am glad to have known.

At the end of the day, we had to write these notes of encouragement to the girls in the grade. Basically I just wrote some mushy words to the people in our groups. Then afterwards I wrote "you are beautiful" to every other girl. I feel like 'beautiful' is an impeccable word to use to describe those around me. These girls are these absolutely beautiful girls -- beautiful as in inner beauty and outer beauty. Although I'm not familiar with a lot of them, from what I've seen of them, they all seem to be amazing people. It felt really nice to write the note and add a little heart and drop it into their bags. I just try to imagine the smiles they would have on their faces when they read it.

But for some reason, I find difficulties in trusting what people tell me. On my notes, people wrote that I'm smart, I'm not fat, I'm a good friend. But I can't find myself to believe them. Each time I stare into the mirror I see this girl that has jealously, laziness, selfishness, greed written all over her body. Never do I see all these good qualities people describe me actually on me. I'm not looking for attention but that is what I think.

Today the lady said "comparisons are odious" and you should stop comparing yourself to others and be content with your unique qualities. At that moment, I tried finding one. I thought, what makes me unique but in the end, nothing came up. Yes, maybe I may be smart, I may be a good listener but then I think, everyone probably does a way better job than me at these things. I just can't seem to find a personal quality of mine that I can be proud of. I just can't. I have these beautiful, amazing, smart girls around me and I am just this fat, ugly, lazy, filled with bad qualities Connie. I just feel so inferior, so...I just feel so bad. I wasn't born with the looks, I wasn't born with the brains nor was I born with the personality. I just feel so sorry for those that have to put up with me. No matter what they say to comfort me, I know myself. I'm not as good as people describe me as. I will never be the daughter that my mum will be proud of. All she tells me is to stay in the car and wait for her in the corner. It seems like she's afraid for others to see me as her daughter. You know...all these things, I can't help but think this way. And that's what I really hate. I just wish I could be more confident, believe in myself...but I just can't. I try each day. I look into the mirror and say to myself - I'm beautiful. But after a while I step out into the real world, I realise that it is all just a lie.

I'm not any of these good things. I'm..just this human with all these negative things etched all over me.