happiness

I just read a little post on tumblr which inspired me to write this post.

I'm not the type who easily tells people how I feel. I get emotional easily. I cry easily and smile easily. However, I don't think many people know who I truly am. Well, sometimes even I find it extremely difficult to know who I am. Am I really the nice and smart person people call me as? Or am I just your average bitchy, dirty and jealous teen. I really don't know.

But I guess, that makes me it more difficult for me to tell people my emotions. Sometimes I just feel so lonely. I feel like, no one is there to listen to me. I mean, I'm the type who gets upset over the tiniest things and therefore, it just feels weird to be sobbing to some friend who has issues hundred times more severe compared to mine. I've been friends with Eugenia for 4 years and counting. This year was when I felt like I could finally open up to her and tell her some really deep emotions of mine but...it feels like God decided to find her a better person. I don't want to sound dramatic or anything but...it feels like God just took a big part of me away. I guess the pain isn't really about Eugenia finding a boyfriend but more of I am now able to realise how much of a loser and social cripple I am. She was my only close friend. She turned away from me, ran away from me and into the arms of another person.

Now I'm alone.

No one is here for me. I feel like, everyone around me is dealing with issues of their own and to tell them is to add burden onto them. Or rather, make them realise how much of a dramatic bitch I am. That's why I try to do all these weird things. I try to find someone to like so I can experience the pain of liking someone. I create scenarios in my head of tragic things happening to me hoping they will happen to me.

Now here, I just realise how much of a bitch and loser I am. Many people would die to be a happy person like me. But how can I really be happy when people around me are not? I feel like...they all belong to this society which I cannot access because I don't know the password. I mean, Eugenia and Shanje are close because they have similar experiences with their fathers, Eugenia and Annie can talk to each other because they were dealing with parents that were...not so pleasant. All the people I know seems to have ties with each other because of some traumatic things happening or has happened in their lives. And here is me. No one. Nothing has happened in my life. Nothing at all. I just want someone to hug me or stare at me in the eye and tell me they understand what I'm feeling. But no one has. I feel like I'm losing all the connection I can have with the people I know.

But even if I tell people these things, they will just laugh at me and go I'd rather be you. But somehow they don't understand how much it hurts to see people walking off in pairs or trios and having the best conversation ever. Each time I walk with someone, I just struggle to create an interesting conversation. All I can talk about is school work because that seems to be the only life in my life worth talking about. Then they get bored and walk away. They all do. Then I'm just alone again.

Just me and my ipod.