the usual

As expected, I have been feeling really unhappy these past few days. The emotions are surfacing one by one. And they are strangling me. I haven't cried. But I feel like it. There's just something inside me that wants to come out but I can't get it out. Each time I feel it near my face, it calms down once again. The suppressed emotions.

How should I say it?

I'm trying. I'm trying really hard. I'm giving my best attempt to make people happier. I'm trying my best to make a happy atmosphere. I'm really working hard to make people happy. I'm really trying .... I'm trying so hard that it makes me unhappy that they are not telling me anything. It makes me unhappy to know that, they are not happy and yet they don't trust me enough to tell me. I know what's going on. But knowing that they chose not to tell me is really heartbreaking. Am I not worth it? Don't I matter anymore? Or did I ever matter to begin with?

Feeling left out, lonely, stressed, unhappy etc etc - I've been through them all. But no one knows. No one cares. I try my best not to show it. Rather I'd prefer to show everyone a smile. I want them to smile along with me because then both me and them would be happy. But why is it so hard? Why is it the more happy I'm trying to be, the more unhappy I feel?

I'm drifting away. I know it. But...I'm not going to sob over it. I'm going to smile. Continue smiling. I know that if I smile, I will eventually trick myself into knowing that I am happy. I AM HAPPY. And I want people to know. I want people to remember me as the girl that was always happy. The normal girl. The girl that had no issues. I want them all to believe me.

Because one day if I really break down....they will see how strong I am. They will be able to see how much I've been holding in. And they will see that I also needed someone to be there for me and yet none of them was there. I want them to see that how hard I've been fighting - how tired and damaged I am. I want them to see everything that I never had the bravery to show. I just want people to know that I too am someone who isn't who they appear to be.

But for now....I am happy.