without words

What are you mean to do when you realise that one of your friends have been secretly blogging and releasing all her anger? What are you meant to feel like?

I saw so many similarities between us two. She chose to transfer to another school because she was unhappy. That was me in 2009. I just hated the school and the problems that I wanted to leave. All I thought was new school=new start. I applied for another school. I just wanted to be successful so much because I didn't want to face the issues each day.

For me, there wasn't really much of a reaction when I read it. But the entire time I was thinking what the others felt when they read it. Sarah especially. I'm so worried about her. Tina and her were really really really good friends and I could really feel the heartbreak she experienced when she read it. I understand Tina and I understand Sarah. Tina just wanted a place to release her unhappiness and discontentment without hurting her friends (us). But it must be so painful for Sarah to read. I mean, knowing that your best friend had been so unhappy all this time would definitely kill.

I can totally understand where Tina was coming from. Like this blog, I just wanted a place to let out everything. I don't want to tell anyone because I feel like no on really cares. And it's kind of depressing to know that all you can do is secretly let them out - afraid that one day someone will discover them and question you about things you do not want to talk about. Sometimes I fear, I fear "what if they find this blog? what will they think?" I really don't want to hurt anyone. I just want this blog to be a friend that I was never lucky enough to have.

I hope Tina is doing well and achieved what she was aiming for in the beginning - an escape. I'm not angry, not really sad but...regretting about many things. We really wanted to create happy memories for her before she left. Maybe that wasn't enough. We will never be able to return to the past and fix it. All we can do is to pretend we're not hurt about it. All we can do is put on a mask that tells everyone that we are all fine and that nothing is really bothering us.

Sometimes I find it so funny yet depressing at the same time. We call everyone our good/best friends, but how many times do we actually show everything to them? It really amuses me.