lies

I didn't talk to her for like 5 days. These five days, I wondered how she felt. It was her first time going to work and I was thinking, would she be angry at me for not being online? Would she feel upset about me not asking her how was work? These questions were flying through the mind for the past few days. I checked her blog each day to see if she posted. Nothing...

So I logged on today and she started telling me about her work. Sounds like a horrible job. Then she told me about missing Sushi and stuff. Didn't really hurt me or anything because it is obvious that he does treat her better than me. It was pretty awesome talking to her because our conversation didn't really die like how it used to. But then I realised it was because Sushi wasn't online, so yeah...

Then I saw that she posted on her blog. Kind of expected what she wrote. However, my heart did cringe a little when I read what she wrote

I know I might say to him sometimes that he’s not the only one who loves me. It’s kinda true…in a way…Elixyr loves me (as a friend..) and maybe Happinesslah or even my mother. But none of them…has really given me so much attention. I mean…S never doubts me, has faith in me, supports me…is considerate, loving and caring.

Just a little, not too much. I continued talking to her, and when she told me she had to go, I told her that I missed her. She then told me she did too and each day she was on the train, she always wished I was there with her. It was cute but then I remembered what she wrote on her blog

I’ve been missing S lately, a lot. More like…A LOT A LOT. Every single day I step onto the train…I think of him.

So basically I was just sitting there tearing up and smiling like an idiot. I was smiling because I felt happy talking to her for the entire night without the conversation dying too many times. And we were saying goodnight and sweet dreams to each other like before. But I was tearing because I was doubting something. The first thing my mind told me was that it was all a lie. She did not miss me that much, all she missed was Sushi. I don't know why I'm thinking this way but...I don't know. It's like I used to feel so happy because I could have this one person who would ... treasure me so much but now...that person doesn't need me anymore...

Which then brings me up to that day. That day when I walked into maths class and realised Amos dogged me to sit with the guys. Then I saw Eugenia walking into the classroom, saw be sitting by myself but continued sitting with Sushi. I felt ... so... so... hurt. I wanted to just hide my face into my arms and start crying. But Dopey came and sat next to me. She asked me why they weren't sitting with me. All I could answer was...I don't know. Then I borrowed Sarah's laptop to watch Ayumi Hamasaki's MV featuring Jaejoong. It was a pretty sad MV but it wasn't one that could make me cry. But I started crying. I saw them sitting together...I remembered how from the corner of my eyes, I saw her noticing me, but continued to sit with Sushi. But luckily, I could just tell my friends that ... I was crying because the MV was so sad.