clueless

I felt so depressed this afternoon, but I had no idea why.

When I received my geography test results back, I was shocked that I got full marks. However, I was pretty sure that when I marked it yesterday, I got two wrong so I asked the teacher whether she was sure or not about the mark. She checked it once and she gave it back to me saying that I did get full marks. The feeling was indescribable. At that moment, I felt like my smile could outshine all the unhappiness of today. Then Haneul got her test marks back and even though she sounded happy about her mark, I could sense the disappointment in her words. So then, I resumed my work in a good mood. Hanuel then got my sheet to check with hers. We then realised that there were some discrepancy with the marking and the results.

I really didn't want to tell the teacher. I felt greedy and selfish but I really wanted to keep my full marks. Haneul then asked whether I was going to tell the teacher. Then the guilt washed through me. I knew I had to tell the teacher, but I really didn't want to. In that split second, I decided that I had to tell the teacher. No matter how much I didn't want to look bad, I could't do something that even I thought was wrong.

After I told the teacher, Sushi came and started having his moment with Haneul. Not only did I feel awkward, but I realised how lonely I was. I heard Sushi talking to Hanuel in a voice I had never heard him use. It was then that I realised that maybe never in my life would a guy do that to me.

So I turned around to face the two guys behind me. They started singing Wedding Dress and they modified the lyrics. They changed the context to say that I ripped the Wedding Dress. Being a girl, I am extremely sensitive when it comes to matters relating to my outer appearance. They were talking about my size. I was used to it but it sort of emphasised that fact that I might really become a lonely person for the rest of my life.

When I was walking to the train station, Syl was beside me. I felt a little more sad when she told me "I'm so pro, I can fail even when I'm trying". Then, I could sense that she was no happier than me. She was clinging to me, so then to show that I understood her pain, I grabbed her hand and held it tight. I really wanted to tell her that I consider her as a really close friend and no matter what her results are, my views on her will never change. But being the socially awkward me, I would never tell her in words.

Afterwards on the train, another wave of depression washed over me once again. Icecreamiie had been a little quiet for a while. When Haneul went off the train, she told her to smile but was pushed away. Her eyes were showing shades of red. When it was just me and her left, I really wanted to ask her what was wrong but then that feeling came again. That feeling that I was next to an unhappy friend but I couldn't do anything to make her feel better. I was able to wipe my teary eyes and said "bye" to her with a smile but when I was walking home, I was thinking of all the things that happened within that hour.

I felt depressed, but I still have no idea why.