the end

I guess this is it. 2 years. 55 posts. All the heartache, all the hidden tears, all the feared emotions, all the unsaid words. So many times during this period where I've dreamt of the moment of breakdown, the time where I could just release everything out and people can see how strong I've been. But I didn't. And I guess I'm glad I didn't. High school, I'll probably miss it, both the good and the bad. I think I'm very thankful for what high school has taught me. I still haven't fully recovered from the injuries they have given me, I've tried to move on and I'm still trying and hopefully one day I can.

But tomorrow I'd be leaving for overseas. The trip that has been keeping me going this entire period of time. I just hope that I'd come back all healed, refreshed and set to go on with the rest of my life. Maybe one day when I come back and read all these posts, I'll laugh again at my emotional vulnerability and stupidity and my tendency to overdramatise everything. But I just want to remind the future me that those feelings, those words were all genuine. They were exactly how I felt at that particularly point in time and are so fragile and delicate. And I guess it's all those happenings that has brought me to where I am today. I'm not saying my life is the best at the moment, but it's enough. I'm not happy, nor am I sad. I smile but sometimes, maybe those feelings seep up again. Just once in a while.

Here's to all the weaknesses, all the tears wept late at night, all the strength to push everything back in, all the courage to not break down, all the willpower to get through everything. To all those that I have been hurt by, to all those that I have hurt. To the past, the past that is all a haze right now but still hugs at my heart each time my mind ventures back. It's kind of anticlimatic isn't it? Everything so intense and emotional has calmed down to this. But I guess this is the perfect ending to somebody like me. So here's to everything that nobody will never know of, everything that I will bury deep inside me, everything that only I will know of. Goodbye.

I promise

Pathetic.

Totally pathetic.

That's how I felt today. I never thought I'd have to come back to this blog. I thought that I was fine. But here I am. Pathetically running away from all my problems by being a coward and pathetically typing up this blog post.

I don't know. Since the trials ended, I felt happy. I felt so proud of myself for going through all that. For going through everything I thought I was too weak to accomplish. And I did it. I felt…proud and happy about myself. I felt stronger, more replenished and more mature and…it was a good feeling. I was very optimistic about the future. I didn't feel really bad about any exams. I felt like I accomplished everything true and fair to myself. And it was a great sense of satisfaction and accomplishment.

But today. I go back to school with these amazing feelings and … it felt like I just got kicked back down this cliff. Just that ache of being raised to such a high sensation and then cruelly kicked back down with no warning. When I got my assignment mark back I wasn't happy with it. But what can I do? I know I didn't spend that much time on it and it was what I deserved so I wasn't too upset about it. She was also entering marks onto the computer and I saw that my multiple choice mark was pretty good so it made me feel happier. Then she comes and asks me about my mentor and she wanted to see me at lunch time. I knew it wasn't going to be a good thing. At that moment…scared? I was just so scared and nervous. My heart was clenching together and I was just so scared. Did I fail my trials? Was she going to talk about how I was slowing down in my studies again? I didn't know. And yet all these possible situation were appearing in my head.

It didn't help that we had another HSC talk after Biology. Throughout the whole thing I was just so nervous. My fingernails were digging into my skin and it hurt…but nothing hurt more than my heart. Tears were building up and I just felt pathetic. Was I overreacting? Why am I so scared? I just can't face her. After all her expectation and pressure and the talk before, I just couldn't face her. And I was scared. So scared. I was scared that maybe all the effort I put in wasn't enough and I did really bad. Throughout the entire meeting my mind was just revolving around her. It was only after tutor that I realised my nail marks were still visible on my hand.

Talking to her…I was already in tears before and when she started talking to me, I just lost it. She told me about something that really wasn't a big deal. But just I don't know. I just broke down even greater than last time. I tried to hold them back. But everything was just spilling out and it got so bad I started choking on myself without even speaking. I felt so pathetic. And I didn't even know why I was like that. It's just that after working so hard trying to live up to that expectation and having the person say right in your face that you're not doing well. I want to do well. I study the most for Biology and I want to live up to that expectation. It's just that…I don't know why I'm doing this. I study, I do past papers, I read the things she gives us, I do my homework. What else do I need to do? I…I just feel like everything I've done has gone to waste. I feel like, no one is telling me what is right or wrong anymore. I don't know anymore. The other time she said she was proud of someone. I wanted to hear my name. I really did. I wanted her to tell me that what I'm doing is correct. But when she said Jackson, my heart just clenched up so hard. But I had to smile and act like it was nothing and be happy for him. But I really wanted to hear those words. Maybe not from her but just from anyone. I want to know that what I'm doing is correct and … I just want someone to reassure to me that they're proud of what I'm doing. But no one…no teachers, no parents…not once.

Walking back to the classroom was fine because I had Sarah with me. But I took my sandwich out and started eating by myself. All her words just echoed in my brain. I'm trying I told her. She told me she knew I was trying but it just hurt so much. I was chocking on my sandwich and my whole face was scrunching up. People say that I'm just being modest when I say I'm not smart. But I really don't think so. Just once…I just want someone to say that they're proud of me. Just one person would be enough. But why does it feel like no one is ever. Why does it seem like people are always attacking what I feel is already enough? And why am I getting so worked up about it? She said I'm soft hearted. I know I am. And that's why I constantly need reassurance and comfort from someone. But no one was there. Not even my parents. The people that I want to hear those words from. But never from them. I don't want to disappoint anyone. But when I do well, I really want to hear those words. But why? But am I never able to hear them? Why am I working so hard for? Who am I doing all this for? I really don't know anymore.

After Chemistry, Ms Abraham wanted to ask me what was wrong. She said that she noticed something even before trials. I don't know. They tell me like it's so easy just to relax and not care. But it's not. Everything has been on my mind. Maybe I'm just a loser who can't handle failure. I think I am. I'm not stressed. I just want to prove to the world that I can do this that I'm not weak. That through hard times I can survive.

I just felt pathetic.

Lunch time. Chemistry. Train ride. Tutor. The tears wouldn't go away. These are the times when I really want to just throw everything away and scream to the world 'I GIVE UP'. I really want to now. I really don't have the courage to go anymore further. Just when I thought that I was on the right track, BAM comes this and telling me that what I'm doing is not right. I just…don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I don't know whether all this is worth it anymore. I keep telling myself…just hang in there a little longer and it'd be all over. Just hang in there. I thought I could. I was proud that I hadn't posted anything here in a long time. I thought those feelings were all gone. But today. It was today breaking down in front of her that those feelings never left me. And they all just erupted today. I felt so pathetic. Just pathetic. I thought I was strong and could get through everything. But it hasn't been a week since trials ended and I'm already like this. I'm just pathetic. I'm just a weakling. I don't know if I can get through this.

But please. Just hang in there Connie. Just keep it all in just for a few more weeks and I promise that it'd be good. Everything would be okay after that. Just be strong for a few more weeks. Just a few more weeks…Please. Don't break. Of everything. Just don't break. You can do this. I promise you. Everything will get better...

longer

I haven't been posting here for a while because I thought that maybe I could ... not have to feel these emotions anymore. I thought that...I was okay. I thought that I was happy.

I'm doing a good job. I think I'm happy. I just have to get through this. A few more weeks. Just a little while and it'd all be over. I can leave this place and maybe I'd probably be happy. I'm not going to let anything interfere. I'm going to get through this. I'm going to be strong. I'm going to. I have to. Just please...please let me survive all this. I'm not going to break. I'm not going to show anymore. I'm not going to give up. I'm going to get through this. Stay strong Connie! You're stronger than this. You're not weak. Just hang in there a little longer. Just a little longer and all this will be over. Just a little longer and there would be light for you again. It would get better after this. Everything will get better. Stay strong!